|
who
|
|
babies
|
|
wedding
|
|
rom
|
|
previous
|
|
archives
|
|
|
|
Reflections |
|
Posted at Wednesday, March 28, 2007 |
There's a dark chapter in my past which very few know about. A minor issue perhaps, but it was one of the few turning points in my life. I've never been comfortable discussing it... But now that it's been more than ten years, I guess it is time to truly face the demons.
Well, this blog is meant for our children afterall. Maybe one day they'll face similar issues. Maybe it will help them see things in different light. Hopefully it will...
I was an angst-filled teenager. I was often thinking long and hard about the meaning of life. About the monotony of waking up each morning. Doing the same old things. Walking the same old path. And at the end of each day, sleeping in the same old bed.
Studying hard. I often wondered why I should study hard. Yeah, the usual retort. Study hard. Get a good education. Get a good job. Get married. Have kids. Grow old. Watch your kids grow up. Watch your kids have kids. Watch your kids' kids grow up. Tell stories of your life. Lie in a bed. Eventually die, hopefully surrounded by those that you love.
The circle of life. Thinking about it. Watching it play out in my mind with a detached and critical eye, it was hard for me to figure out the purpose behind it all. Our lives will be but a blimp in the history of this earth. What significance does it hold? Why struggle so hard only to have all traces of our lives eventually washed away by the tides of time?
A happy life. At the end of the day, you die.
A sad life. At the end of the day, you die.
The destination was the same. The journey might be different, but to my youthful eyes, I did not recognise the value of the journey. Impatient youth that I was, I saw only the fateful destination that we are all bound to reach.
At the end of it, I failed to derive any meaning from the journey. I saw only the destination in my mind...
I was in secondary two. The final year exams were just around the corner. Next monday in fact. I had been studying hard for it.
Studying hard. One day, I just snapped.
I thought. I could study hard today. I could study hard tomorrow. I could work hard and succeed for the rest of my life.
But to what end? To what purpose?
I saw no purpose.
Hence, I decided to cut short the journey. I decided that perhaps it was best, perhaps it was easier, to hasten my journey towards my final destination in life. I decided that it was time to die.
I planned a devious plot. It didn't take too long at all. I ran away to Malaysia in the dead of the morning. I planned to end my life somewhere far far away. Why far away? Because to do it near my home just seemed too cruel to those around me. Well , there's no rational reason for this. It was just an irrational thought then.
Once away, I was planning to carry out my final act. I made a phone call. A phone call to my parents. I didn't know why. I wanted to say goodbye I guess. And it was then I heard my parent's voice. I didn't speak. I couldn't. I could only hear the sadness in their voice. And it was then that everything fell apart for me. I wasn't so sure anymore. I wasn't so firm anymore.
I came back home lost and defeated. No, not immediately home. I went to the top of my building. I looked down. It was a long drop down.
Some people say it takes a lot of courage to take the step down. But I still remember. When I looked down, I knew it didn't take a lot of courage. Well, I guess it did. But I knew then that it would take more courage to live. More courage to live for those around me. More courage to struggle through life and to experience all that life has to give.
Perhaps my courage failed me and that's why I didn't take the plunge. Perhaps it was because I found the greater courage to live.
To this day, I don't know which it was. But I know that it was love that kept me going.
Love for my mother. Love for my father. Love for my brother. Love for my aunts. Love for my family.
To leave them behind to mourn for me. That was a pain far greater than any I could imagine. The worst thing for a parent is to outlive their child. I just couldn't find it in me to visit that fate upon my parents.
And so I lived. And as I lived, as I grew older and hopefully a little wiser, I've come to discern more on the meaning of life. At least, the meaning of life to me.
I live not for myself, but for those around me. Because if one lives for himself alone, then it truly is an empty and meaningless life.
I live to contribute to the joys of those around me. And in so doing, I may find joy in my own life too.
I live to bear witness to the lives of my loved ones. And in so doing, they bear witness to mine.
I live to love. I live for others to love in return.
I live for others even as others live for me, and even as I find meaning through others, they might find meaning through me.
I think I've more or less stumbled upon the meaning of life. To live for others. That is why mothers sacrifice themselves for their children. That is why doctors work tirelessly to save others they barely know. Because in the end, we are all linked to each other via invisible threads. Someone is painting a masterpiece and we are each a single thread in that picture. That perhaps is our place on this earth...
And so, that is my take on life. To my child who might be reading this in future, cherish your life and more importantly cherish those around you. No matter how dark times may seem, there will always be those who love you. There will always be those who are living their lives for you, who are defining their meaning in life through you. You owe it to them to live. You owe it to them to try to live a good life.
We may not be close. We may have spoken barely a few words to each other over all these years. But blood ties run deep. You shall be remembered and dearly missed... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
