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Reflections |
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Posted at Wednesday, March 28, 2007 |
There's a dark chapter in my past which very few know about. A minor issue perhaps, but it was one of the few turning points in my life. I've never been comfortable discussing it... But now that it's been more than ten years, I guess it is time to truly face the demons.
Well, this blog is meant for our children afterall. Maybe one day they'll face similar issues. Maybe it will help them see things in different light. Hopefully it will...
I was an angst-filled teenager. I was often thinking long and hard about the meaning of life. About the monotony of waking up each morning. Doing the same old things. Walking the same old path. And at the end of each day, sleeping in the same old bed.
Studying hard. I often wondered why I should study hard. Yeah, the usual retort. Study hard. Get a good education. Get a good job. Get married. Have kids. Grow old. Watch your kids grow up. Watch your kids have kids. Watch your kids' kids grow up. Tell stories of your life. Lie in a bed. Eventually die, hopefully surrounded by those that you love.
The circle of life. Thinking about it. Watching it play out in my mind with a detached and critical eye, it was hard for me to figure out the purpose behind it all. Our lives will be but a blimp in the history of this earth. What significance does it hold? Why struggle so hard only to have all traces of our lives eventually washed away by the tides of time?
A happy life. At the end of the day, you die.
A sad life. At the end of the day, you die.
The destination was the same. The journey might be different, but to my youthful eyes, I did not recognise the value of the journey. Impatient youth that I was, I saw only the fateful destination that we are all bound to reach.
At the end of it, I failed to derive any meaning from the journey. I saw only the destination in my mind...
I was in secondary two. The final year exams were just around the corner. Next monday in fact. I had been studying hard for it.
Studying hard. One day, I just snapped.
I thought. I could study hard today. I could study hard tomorrow. I could work hard and succeed for the rest of my life.
But to what end? To what purpose?
I saw no purpose.
Hence, I decided to cut short the journey. I decided that perhaps it was best, perhaps it was easier, to hasten my journey towards my final destination in life. I decided that it was time to die.
I planned a devious plot. It didn't take too long at all. I ran away to Malaysia in the dead of the morning. I planned to end my life somewhere far far away. Why far away? Because to do it near my home just seemed too cruel to those around me. Well , there's no rational reason for this. It was just an irrational thought then.
Once away, I was planning to carry out my final act. I made a phone call. A phone call to my parents. I didn't know why. I wanted to say goodbye I guess. And it was then I heard my parent's voice. I didn't speak. I couldn't. I could only hear the sadness in their voice. And it was then that everything fell apart for me. I wasn't so sure anymore. I wasn't so firm anymore.
I came back home lost and defeated. No, not immediately home. I went to the top of my building. I looked down. It was a long drop down.
Some people say it takes a lot of courage to take the step down. But I still remember. When I looked down, I knew it didn't take a lot of courage. Well, I guess it did. But I knew then that it would take more courage to live. More courage to live for those around me. More courage to struggle through life and to experience all that life has to give.
Perhaps my courage failed me and that's why I didn't take the plunge. Perhaps it was because I found the greater courage to live.
To this day, I don't know which it was. But I know that it was love that kept me going.
Love for my mother. Love for my father. Love for my brother. Love for my aunts. Love for my family.
To leave them behind to mourn for me. That was a pain far greater than any I could imagine. The worst thing for a parent is to outlive their child. I just couldn't find it in me to visit that fate upon my parents.
And so I lived. And as I lived, as I grew older and hopefully a little wiser, I've come to discern more on the meaning of life. At least, the meaning of life to me.
I live not for myself, but for those around me. Because if one lives for himself alone, then it truly is an empty and meaningless life.
I live to contribute to the joys of those around me. And in so doing, I may find joy in my own life too.
I live to bear witness to the lives of my loved ones. And in so doing, they bear witness to mine.
I live to love. I live for others to love in return.
I live for others even as others live for me, and even as I find meaning through others, they might find meaning through me.
I think I've more or less stumbled upon the meaning of life. To live for others. That is why mothers sacrifice themselves for their children. That is why doctors work tirelessly to save others they barely know. Because in the end, we are all linked to each other via invisible threads. Someone is painting a masterpiece and we are each a single thread in that picture. That perhaps is our place on this earth...
And so, that is my take on life. To my child who might be reading this in future, cherish your life and more importantly cherish those around you. No matter how dark times may seem, there will always be those who love you. There will always be those who are living their lives for you, who are defining their meaning in life through you. You owe it to them to live. You owe it to them to try to live a good life.
We may not be close. We may have spoken barely a few words to each other over all these years. But blood ties run deep. You shall be remembered and dearly missed... |
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Life... |
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Posted at Tuesday, March 27, 2007 |
This blog is supposed to be a happy blog about our lives. So far it has been...
But then there are moments in life when certain events overshadow almost everything else...
A moment today proved to be just that.
This was a good year so far. Was a good year so far. It might still be a generally good one. But now there'll always be this one sad chapter....
I guess life has a way of dropping bombshells on you every now and then. Perhaps it's to remind us of how fragile life can be. Perhaps it's to teach us the importance of cherishing each and every moment we have. The importance of loving your family and making the most of your time on this earth. Because we never know when it might all end. For you. Or for someone you love.
Life goes on... |
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Smile! |
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Posted at Tuesday, March 20, 2007 |
Indeed, it was a very long and tiring day. We never had to smile so much in our lives before!
We first spent about 7 hours in the studio. Cheri went through the actual wedding gown as well as the two evening gowns. After that, she changed into the outdoor wedding gown and we went to Marina South, then Tanah Merah (near the SAF Yacht Club) and finally Changi Broadwalk... The outdoor shoots were pretty fast, taking about an hour each. Marina South was pretty, but bloody hot! Tanah Merah was fantastic - the sea breeze gave us a much-needed respite. Changi Broadwalk smelt bad but then we managed to catch the brilliantly red setting sun. :)
All in all, it was a great trip out! I must say we were pretty lucky - it had looked to be a rainy day as it started with a drizzle in the morning. Fortunately, the sun came out in full force by the time we headed out. Better hot than wet.
The photographer Bryan and his assistant Ah Wei were simply fabulous. They really kept us going. Our jaws are aching after having to smile so much but I trust the results will look good. If not, well, there's always photoshop. :p
So now all we can do is wait. One more item off the checklist. And yet so many more things to do... Guest list, Invitation Cards, Photo Montage....
Oh and I just heard more good news. This year is a good year indeed! :) |
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My thoughts about our Wedding Photoshoot |
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Posted at Monday, March 19, 2007 |
Just a sentence:
It was super duper tiring for us....
Hehe...
Having said so, I still enjoyed it and hope the photos will turn out well. ;) |
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Phase One |
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Posted at Saturday, March 10, 2007 |
4th March 2007 @ 1.15pm - We finally said our "I Dos"
What an amazing journey... If you told me a year back that we'll be married at this time, I would have laughed pretty hard.
Life is indeed unpredictable - thank goodness it turned out to be unpredictably great for us!
New Home - Checked
ROM - Checked
Bridal Photoshoot - Pending
Wedding Dinner - Pending.
Baby?
3 months into 2007 and it looks great thus far. I'm pretty sure the next few months are gonna fly by again. I'm sure as hell gonna keep my eyes wide open and enjoy the moments!
Lastly, thank you. YOU may be a friend or a relative - but you have made our lives better for being in it. Thank you for your well-wishes. Thank you for being part of our lives and for sharing in our joy. Thank you once again! :) |
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4th March 2007 |
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Posted at Wednesday, March 07, 2007 |
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Wedding Vows - Her to Him |
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Posted at Sunday, March 04, 2007 |
On this day, I invite you to share my life as I hope to share yours. I promise to be by your side to protect, support and encourage you, be it the good or bad times. I will try to be understanding and to trust in you completely. I will remain faithful to you through all the uncertainties and trials of life.
From this day on, our lives will be intertwined forever, filled with care, understanding and love. May this ring serve as a reminder to tell you how much I love you, not only on this special day, but also the many days, months and years ahead. Like the ring that is endless, so is my love for you. And with this (ring), I shall take you, Malcolm, to be my husband. |
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Wedding Vows - Him to Her |
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Posted at |
Sometimes I wonder,
what if I never met you.
What if you never existed,
What would the world be like?
I think the world will still keep on turning.
I think the sun will still keep on shining.
But I wouldn't know any of it.
Because I know I wouldn't be here.
Because without you, there would not be me.
Because without you, living wouldn't mean a thing.
Because I know we were made for each other.
Because we were meant to be together.
And so I pledge today will just be the beginning
The beginning of an eternity together.
I pledge that in life I will cherish you always.
And even in death shall our spirits linger together.
My love, my bride, my partner in life,
With this ring on you, I pledge myself to you. |
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Officially Married |
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Posted at |
I can't believe that I'm now married! Time just flew so fast... Now I'm only left with a few months before our customary and wedding dinner. Oh man, so tired and sleepy! And I still have so much to catch up in school especially my FYP. Hee.. (Heck care.. *Hubby more important!* Hehe..)
Luckily for us, it rained very heavily when we reached home. Had a wonderful weather and perfect solemniser for our ROM lunch. And not to mention that Jumbo had did a very good job coordinating and organising our event for us, I was a little surprised that their food turned out to be so good (really much beyond my expectations *Have always prefer Long Beach*). Really enjoyed myself, now waiting for my pictures to be out. Hope I didn't look too fat! Time to lose weight before my photoshoot on the 18th. Hee.. |
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Two Days |
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Posted at Friday, March 02, 2007 |
| Two more days and we'll be legally married. |
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congrats!!!